Some Durids is for da Voodoo
So it’s no secret that I like trolls (I’ve been accused of WoW racism, mon!). I like all forms of trolls. I like all shapes, sizes, and genders of trolls. We have some of THE most interesting cultural history in all of Azeroth. And we are damn sexy.
Some time ago, I ran across the best argument for being troll ever (sorry original author – I have long since forgotten where this came from or I’d credit you!) It is a little outdated, but most still stands.
Why Trolls are better than you.
There is, without a doubt, no other quintessentially awesome race than that of the troll. Our detractors are quick to point out our hunched posture, bi-phalangical hands and feet, and lack luster active and passive racial traits. These people are noobs. I will explain.
Trolls, by their very nature, are very modest and easy going. Knowing full well that standing at their full height would shame other horde races, they slouch to make Orcs, Tauren, and Undead feel less like gnomes. Trolls hate nothing more than gnomes, and would never want their allies to feel like such pathetic creatures in their presence.
Hands and Feet:
Obviously, trolls COULD regenerate themselves more fingers and toes if they wished…however there is nothing trolls hate more than the ostentatiousness of extraneous digits. And you should thank them for it. Ask yourself this: While losing horribly to a troll in a duel, would you really want more than two toes stuck up your ass as you frantically try to type /yield? I don’t think so, and neither do trolls. Fun fact: Troll toes are the leading cause of and cure for colon cancer.
These are Blizzard’s acknowledgment that trolls are the best race in every computer game ever. Plus 5 to bows and throwing weapons? Ten percent of regeneration continues in combat? The ability to attack faster when at 20% health? This is all an attempt to stop people from QQing on the forums about how overpowered trolls are. And it works. No one complains about the over poweredness of troll racials. Not because Blizzard did something right, but because people are afraid that if they complain, trolls will hack their accounts, power level them to 70, buy them epic mounts, and then delete the character.
The raptor is the sports car of warcraft mounts, and it is no accident that trolls ride them. Tauren have semi-cool mounts, you know, if you like minivans.
Trolls can be any class they want.
It’s true. You might be thinking, but wait, trolls can’t be warlocks or paladins or druids! You would be wrong. There is no shame in it…your puny non-troll brain simply cannot handle…thought. So I will explain.
Trolls can be rogues, mages, shaman, and warriors. Therefore they are like druids.
Trolls priests can use holy magic and troll warriors can wear plate. Therefore they are like paladins.
Troll priests can use shadow magic and troll mages can use fire. Therefore they are like warlocks.
Put simply, there is not anything a troll cannot do…except suck as much as a warlock. They’re working on it, but it’s kinda on the back burner.
This should not even be on the list, as it is basic knowledge that things WITH tusks are just better than things WITHOUT tusks. It can be summed up with the following equation:
Tusks > No Tusks
These appendages are extremely useful for killing, cooking, cleaning, opening letters, and mating. In fact, a troll skilled in tusking can actually kill a gnome, roast it, mop up the blood, open his fan mail, and work diligently to give you a new baby brother all at the same time.
So you see, trolls are better then you. In every way. You may be wondering why every time you visit a troll village everyone is dancing and playing catch and having a good time? It’s because they are secure in their knowledge they are not you.
Now, I also like druids. I think they are one of the most interesting classes out there (aside from hunter’s of course!) With the ability to handle every single task in the game, I can only imagine how difficult they are to play. I wish I had a druid. The one thing, aside from how much I loathe the leveling process, that’s kept me from rolling one up is the fact that I’m just not a fan of the fat cows😉.
With Cataclysm looming, and the revelation that the greatest race of Azeroth will return to their primal roots and be able to play druids, I may just have to get over my hatred of leveling and finally start a druid. Troll druid of course!
I shall call him Kittytusk! Tusks is for fite!